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A baby listens to the world even before being born. Most probably the biggest clue nature gave us on how important listening really is! A relatively underrated element of communication, the challenge with listening is that we believe we are doing it all the time when the reality could be scarily different. This was a lesson I was forced to learn from my teenager. ‘You are not listening to me’, he groaned during a particularly challenging conversation. I looked at him in shock. More than one person had said they felt truly listened to after a coaching session with me, but my own son apparently thought I was a terrible listener! A lot of painful introspection later, I realized he was right. The ‘mother’ in me believed I already knew all there was to know about him in any situation! Listening, I realized, starts with a generous dose of humility. Whether in families or in organisations, with time, it is easy for assumptions and unconscious biases to overtake being mindful and truly present. Poor listening can result in families becoming a group of strangers living together. Leaders on the other hand, can miss signals that their teams lack clarity or are struggling to handle pressure. In both cases, relationships suffer and no one really knows why. To be fair, research states that we are not naturally built to be good listeners. While we can speak at the speed of around 125 words per minute, the brain can apparently process up to 400 words in the same minute. This basically means that by the time someone finishes speaking, we can go on a quick world tour in our minds, come back to catch the last few words the person is saying…and assume we heard it all! Hearing happens automatically. Listening involves focus, restraint, processing, clarifying, and paraphrasing. It is hard work! Luckily, like all skills, the more we consciously practice it, the better we get. If we find ourselves waiting for the other person to finish inspite of knowing what they are trying to say; if we notice a discrepancy between the words and the tone and choose to explore further; If we hear the words but also attempt to understand where the other person is coming from; if we ask questions to clarify our understanding; if we put down that device and look at the person speaking; if we are shifting the focus from ourselves to the other person - it is all good listening. The kind that results in people feeling heard, respected and cared for. Is there really anything more important? Image by evening_tao on Freepik